Thursday, October 30, 2014

Cinema Terrible: 24 Hour B-Movie Marathon 2014 (Part 1)

Here I sit in the aftermath of this past weekend's 24 Hour B-Movie Marathon. For an unknown reason, my friends and I enjoy suffering through terrible, terrible movies, and we've made an annual tradition of participating in a 24 hour marathon of schlock, bad acting, and awkward 80's nudity. That's 24 straight hours of movies, with the only rules being that as soon as a movie ends, the next must begin and that somebody must be watching the TV at all times.

Since my friends and I are all old fogies now, we didn't play many of the drinking games that are associated with movies of this ilk. For you youngsters out there who really want to party, I will include any drinking games I know alongside each movie's review. However, be warned, if you want to play with drinking games, your marathon will probably go like this:

1. Start your first movie. Yeah! Drinking!
2. Keep drinking.
3. No, seriously, you don't get a break here. Keep drinking.
4. Re-evaluate your life choices as you forcefully gulp down your 13th beer in 30 minutes and realize that you have twenty-three and a half more hours of this.

Naturally, all of us fell asleep at one point or another (except for friend and fellow blogger Fyfelife), but every part of every movie did get watched, and that's all that matters. This was our second ever marathon, running from exactly 1:02 PM Saturday, October 25th until 1:07 PM Sunday, October 26th. We burned our way through 15 movies, 3 XL pizzas, maybe about $100 worth of Bulk Barn candy, and most of our sanity. This is our story.

The Room (Dir. Tommy Wiseau)

One of the triumvirate of movies dubbed "the worst movies ever made", The Room is a disasterpiece of a drama. Written, directed, and starring the enigmatic and eccentric Tommy Wiseau, this movie is about a young couple, Johnny and Lisa, who are to be engaged soon. Unfortunately for Johnny, his bride-to-be is cheating on him with his best friend! That's it. That's the entire plot of the movie. For what The Room lacks in exciting plot, it more than makes up for in terrible dialogue and acting, usually delivered by Mr. Wiseau himself. I mean, seriously, this man is on a whole other level. How this movie was made is a mystery to me (a common theme among the movies watched), but I'm glad it exists. This is the movie that first got me into bad movies, and to this day it still holds a special place in my heart.

The Drinking Game

1. Anytime Lisa is referred to as "hot" or "sexy".
2. Anytime Mark is referred to as Johnny's best friend.
3. Anytime Lisa says she doesn't love Johnny anymore.
4. Anytime Johnny says "Oh hai, [Character]!"
5. Anytime you see an establishing shot of San Francisco.

Troll 2 (Dir. Claudio Fragasso)

The second of our trinity of infamous so-bad-they're-good movies, Troll 2 is an unrelated sequel to Troll, which I have not watched. Also, see that cover off the left of the screen? That isn't the main kid in the movie. That isn't the troll in the movie. In fact, there aren't actually any trolls in Troll 2. Mind blown, right? Troll 2 is actually about a country town of goblins disguised as people that terrorize a young family from the city so that they can eat them. Before they eat them, they need to turn them into half-plant-half-human because Goblins are apparently vegetarian and can't do basic fraction math.

Troll 2 is incredibly fun to watch, and unlike most B-movies, there is very little downtime or painful sections to sit through. Grab some popcorn, a double-decker balogna sandwich, and strap in for the ride of your life.

The Drinking Game

1. Anytime Grandpa Seth wizards the shit out of the scene like a motherfucking boss (Spoiler: He never does it any other way).
2. Anytime you see the one extra derpy-faced goblin.
3. Anytime you see green goo/ food with green goo on it.
4. Anytime you get lost or confused by the what's happening on screen.
5. Finish your drink at the pivotal "OHHHH MYYYYY GOOOODDDDDDD" and "Popcorn" scenes.

Foodfight! (Dir. Lawrence Kasanoff)

This movie. This freaking movie. This movie has been blacklisted from my household because of how terrible it is. It's easily the worst animated movie of all time, and somehow managed to hire on one of the most star studded casts of all time. Between Charlie "Tiger's Blood" Sheen, Hilary Duff, Christopher Lloyd, Wayne Brady, and Eva Longoria, you'd think there'd be some redeeming qualities to this movie, but there aren't. This movie is painful. If you want to get the gist of the movie without losing your ability to smile or feel joy ever again, watch JonTron's excellent review of it.

The Drinking Game

1. Lie down.
2. Try not to cry.
3. Cry.

So there we are. We've begun our odyssey through 24 hours of terrible movies. I hope you're prepared. Next time, we cover the surprisingly awesome Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Vengeance, the unsurprising terrible Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, and the heart-wrenchingly disappointing Samurai Cop.

That's all for now, folks! Jeremy, I'll see you in hell.


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