Monday, July 16, 2012

It Hurts So Good: Super Mario Bros.

No, this isn't a post about nostalgic video game themed BDSM sex. Sorry guys.

It Hurts So Good is going to be a series of posts talking about movies. Movies that blow. Movies that blow so hard that they make you laugh so much you snort your popcorn back out of your nose. There has always been a spot in my heart for awful, so-bad-they're-good movies, and I think it's high time to spread the love.

WARNING: There will be spoilers. Lots and lots of spoilers. Though some of these movies don't actually have any discernible plot/ story. I don't know if you can have spoilers for something that. Whatever.

First on the docket: Super Mario Bros.

I mean, we might as well start with a classic, right?

So Super Mario Bros. kicks off with some old school SNES style graphics and some half-baked dude telling us that when the asteroid hit Earth and supposedly murdered the dinosaurs a million bajillion years ago, what actually happened was that it created an alternate/ parallel dimension where dinosaurs and reptiles become the dominant life form rather than mammals. These reptiles evolved into humanoids and formed a fully functioning, governed and policed Western-hemisphere-esque society and they can play guitars and harmonicas and drive cars and go parties at night clubs. How, you ask? Motherfucking science, that's how.

After the intro comes the prologue, 'cause movies like this really need to set up all these little details for their incredibly intricate, layered, and multi-dimensional (literally, this time) plotlines.

So some gypsy lady leaves a giant egg at an abbey doorstep, and then gets presumably killed along side a mystery man by being caved in under the streets of Manhattan. Cut to modern times, where the Manhattan streets are a hip-hoppin', poppin', and non-collapsin' place to be. Here we learn that Mario and Luigi are struggling as plumbers because a corporate sleazeball by the name of Anthony Scapelli is taking all their gigs. Also, Luigi is a guido.

GTL: Goomba, Thwomp, Lakitu
Cut a bit further, and Luigi is falling head over heels for a college chick named Daisy. Naturally, this leads to scenes of Luigi bumbling over his words, cracking really awkward smiles and generally acting like that sweaty panting guy you never, ever want to sit next to on the bus who always has his hands under a coat on his lap.

Yup. Luigi hits full on pedo-mode.

Now, either because a) Daisy is a fucking idiot, or b) Daisy is a fucking idiot, Luigi ends up scoring a dinner date with her. This happens to be a double date with his brother Mario. Guess who Mario brings along to the date. Seriously. Guess. You'll never get it.

That's right. There's no God damn Princess Peach in this movie. Mario's girlfriend is some Uptown NYC gal named Bella who looks like a discount hooker (sorry to any actual discount hookers named Bella reading this). In fact, the name Peach isn't even dropped once in the movie.

So more stuff happens which is probably important to the plot, but right now I'm only going to focus on all the stuff that makes me feel like this:

Toad, instead of being a lovable little ball of fun is a homeless, anti-fascist, busking hippie who lands himself in jail.

King Koopa (Bowser, for those of you who aren't hip and with it) looks like the guy who would go door to door trying to sell you discount insurance and knives.

At least the Goombas still look like--

Alright, no more massacring our beloved childhood characters. At least the plot doesn't blow, right guys?


So it turns out that Daisy is some sort of dino princess with a necklace that can merge Manhattan and Dinohattan (icwatudidthar!), and naturally, Koopa wants this necklace so he can fuck shit up and rule over two dimensions. Like a boss.

I also quickly want to point out that Luigi still wants to be with Daisy after he finds out shes part dinosaur. I think that's supposed to be a testament to his true love, but I'm going to go ahead and assume that in addition to being creepy as fuck, he also has a reptile fetish.

I figured it would be appropriate for this picture again.
Back to the story!

Daisy gets captured by Koopa while Mario and Luigi are able to hang onto the necklace. They soon after get mugged by an old lady who almost immediately after gets thrown off of a balcony by a gigantic black woman, who then keeps the necklace herself.

It's funny because you thought I was kidding.

Mario and Luigi get meet up with Toad and they all get thrown in jail. Mario and Luigi because they're plumbers and Toad because he's a dirty hippie.


At the police headquarters I just want to point out something.

"Here at DInohattan PD, you get a gun, a badge, and all the bitches you want."
Yeah. I know. What is this I don't even.

This post is starting to drag, so the rest of the movie goes something like this:

This last picture is of the directors after snorting all the coke needed to make this movie.

And just when you thought it was all over...

Spoiler: Daisy is a Terminator.
Unfortunately (or fortunately if you hate fun), there's no sequel. However, like for every awful movie out there, you've got to ask...


Yes. Don't even think this gem got by without one.

  1. Every time Mario or Luigi refer to each other by name.
  2. Whenever "the rock" is mentioned.
  3. Every forced reference to the Super Mario games.
  4. Every time "the fungus" is on screen.
  5. Whenever Mario and Luigi use their plumbing skills/ their plumbing skills are referenced.
Level of Wastedness: When you wake up the next morning, you'll be dressed like a princess. And in another castle.

I hope all y'all enjoyed this, 'cause I'm planning on making more of these. I've got an ever-expanding library of awful movies I'll be sifting through. Heavyweight titles include:

  • Sharktopus
  • Wild Zero
  • Executive Koala
  • Galaxy of Terror
  • Star Crash
The list goes on and on. If anybody has any awful movies they'd like to recommend, I'd love to hear about them!

That's all for now, folks!

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