Thursday, July 19, 2012

It Hurts So Good: Wild Zero

Highway there Spark it Baby Baby
Tension Suddenly Outer Spacy
There’s a wallet on my ass with a
Rock ‘n’ Roll License

Jet Generation

Barely Barely Bang Bang
Make it Flashy Riding too hard
Go go go next with Jet GO GO GO!

Born in Haneda
Jet Timing always in his head
Weather Forecast don’t mean a thing
Jet order – Bet your life!!

Jet Generation

These are the lyrics to the song "Jet Generation" by the Japanese totally not Ramones rip off band GUITAR WOLF. Why is GUITAR WOLF in all caps and bold text? Because, any band that saves the world from a zombie apocalypse and an alien invasion in the same fucking movie deserves enough of your God damned respect that you have to shout their name every time you say it. GUITAR WOLF are masters of LOCK 'N' LOLL, a genre of punk rock that consists of playing as loud and as fast as possible while screaming a battlecry of Japanese and broken English at your audience. Melody? What is that? Song structure? Get the Hell out of here. Variation? Fuck you. This is GUITAR WOLF, bitch. And they don't fuck around.

"Hold on. Back the fuck up." I hear you say. "GUITAR WOLF were in a movie?"

Yeah. Yeah they were. And it's fucking incredible.

GUITAR WOLF star in the movie Wild Zero, which according to my first year physics professor, is the best movie ever, and has one of the most intense drinking games ever. Considering my physics professor is literally a circus freak, I just had to check this movie out when he recommended it to us.

Wild Zero focuses in on around two main characters and like, nine billion secondary characters.

The mainest of the main characters is Ace, a young greaser who seriously needs to stop thinking it's the 1950s.

Then we have the second main character, the man-God himself: Guitar Wolf.

I want you to take a good, hard look at this picture and admit to yourself that nothing you ever do will be more awesome than this.
This is one of Guitar Wolf's more tame scenes.
Did I not tell you? The three members of GUITAR WOLF are Guitar Wolf, Bass Wolf, and Drum Wolf, because fuck names.

Now, I would like to put a plot summary here, and I'm going to try my best, but its really hard because this movie is the least amount of sense you can pack into a 100 minute atom bomb of mind fuckery. It's not even that the whole movie is in Japanese and I couldn't understand what what being said. The whole fucking thing was subtitled. From what I did pick up, it goes something like this:

So there's a bunch of aliens. Like, a bunch of aliens. Just chillin'. Outside Earth. We hear a radio broadcast about some meteorite crashing on out beloved planet, then cut between Ace getting all greaser'd up, combing his hair like, 5 or 6 times in a row, donning his precious leather jacket and the aliens. Still just chillin'. Ace is getting ready for a GUITAR WOLF concert, where GUITAR WOLF play "Jet Generation" and shoot lightning out of their instruments, because fuck you, that's why.


Tight. Shorts.
This guy is the owner of the venue GUITAR WOLF just played at, and he's got three things (other than vomit-inducingly tight shorts). Hookers, blow, and mysterious golden balls. GUITAR WOLF barges into through the door, and manager man congratulates them on a great show. Obviously when you get complimented, your first instinct is to whip out a motherfucking magnum, right?

Damn fucking straight.
They standoff for like, ever, then Ace barges in because, well, he's an idiot. Here's where Guitar Wolf proves how good of a shot he is. Using one bullet, he manages to rip off two of manager man's fingers and kill a dude. Wait, that's not impressive? Oh, I forgot to mention. The dude Guitar Wolf killed was standing behind Guitar Wolf. Ace, after being knocked out gets woken up with Guitar Wolf standing over him cutting both their hands open so he can like, transfuse their blood or something. Then, like any superhero worth their salt, Guitar Wolf leaves a whistle for Ace to blow if ever he needs their help again. We also find out here that Drum/ Bass Wolf (it's really hard to tell who's who when they both never speak and are never introduced by name) is a huge drug addict and steals like, a fuckton of pills. Cool. GUITAR WOLF get out of there whithout giving a fuck that they just murdered an innocent bystander, and Ace scampers off into the city.

I also realize that if I keep describing the movie like this, it'll be faster for you guys to just watch the damn movie. So... yeah. Watch the damn movie. Right here. Seriously. The best 100 minutes of your life await. Grab some friends and watch the shit out of it. I'll wait.

Watched it yet? If yes, good. If not, you better fucking watch it immediately after finishing this post. Or sooner.

For those of you who have watched it, I know what you're thinking. This movie is the best thing. Ever. For those of you who haven't, here's a taste of what you're missing.

Actually a scene.

You fucking know it. Not only is there a drinking game, it's even included in the DVD version of the movie. The director knows how much this movie shits all over logic and reason and was like "Fuck it, let's get everybody drunk. Then maybe they won't realize I was on shrooms when I wrote this."

The rules are that you drink when:
  1. Anyone combs back their hair.
  2. Anyone drinks something.
  3. Fire shoots out of anything (including but not exclusive to cars, bikes, people, and empty space).
  4. Anyone says "Rock 'n' Roll".
  5. Anyone/ anything's head explodes.
Yes, you have to drink more than once if more than one of these things happen simultaneously, which they do. Often. I'm going to warn you. If you're a lightweight like me, do not play with all five rules. Seriously. My friends and I test ran the game and we went through three full tallboys each before the first half hour was up. And the beginning of the movie the easiest part of the game. These games are supposed to get you happily drunk, not get you to be puking your guts out.

This is one of the easy-on-the-liver scenes.
So there's a lazy post about what's probably my favorite awful awesome movie I've seen so far. If this post doesn't convince you to watch it, I swear by my leather jacket and by Rock 'n' Roll that it will change your life.

One more link to it. Here.
That's all for now, folks. LOCK 'N' LOLL!

1 comment:

  1. I played the wild zero blog post drinking game. Same rules, but only applied to your blog.

    I got 12, just skimming it.